we all learn to make mistakes and run from them.

assignment: write a prayer that is to be read in the morning over the intercom to the whole school. well, okay, i guess i can.

Dear God,
why do we all suffer?
i see it in everyone i talk to.
we abandoned you, it's true.
but you're supposed to be all loving.
you gave us free will and we pushed you away.
so, i guess you are only doing as we wish.
but i wish for this world to be better.
can't you make people realize they're ruining everything?

Sincerely,
Me

i feel as though that probably will not be read over the intercom...

of course i believe in a God, how could i not? i mean i think i do, sometimes. other times i think i don't. i've been raised my whole life to. i, however, definitely do not believe the God the catholic church portrays. that is what made me hate him in the first place, as i have learned. i don't mean this as offense to anyone, but i think the catholic church is a bunch of rubbish. i think most formed religions are ridiculous. your relationship with God should be your own business. i think you can connect to God so much easier on your own. sure, you should share it with people, if they want it to be shared. but the catholic church has turned us all into robots. o'gorman is the prime example of this. we are all told the be the same and act the same and to pray and love God and to fit in. if we stand out, we get called to the office and get in trouble for it. well, i'm sorry i'm not going to be a robot. i'm going to believe exactly what i want to, and you can try to destroy my believes, but i will never be part of the catholic church. everyone's just trying to be better than everyone else. i get enough of that in my daily life, i don't need it in my spiritual life too.

i now walk into the wild

just got done watching into the wild. god damn what a great story. i think it'd be lovely to run away. i might just try that. after a year of college, if i hate it. oregon is going to be very pretty. hopefully i can go there. everything is kinda up in the air after today. but i'm going to be just fine. i only have a couple months left, then i can live my life the way i want it. my birthday is in a little over a week. got grounded just in time. i think it is a tradition now for me to be grounded on my birthday. how very lovely.

a dreaded sunny day

so let's go where we're happy and i'll meet you at the cemetery gates...
mmmm the smiths, they make me happy.

it's actually not that dreaded to be a sunny day. most of the time. 50-60 degrees is extremely lovely weather as long as i can find shade. i don't much like the sun in my face.

i am grounded. it is really a terribly unfortunate event. i am not allowed to dye my hair. but i did anyways, because it's my hair. i didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but my father was very angry. and i fought with him about it. so that probably didn't help. but i can't just sit back and listen to people be ignorant. it really is my biggest pet peeve. i can't stand my father. he is a terrible ignorant bigot. so i don't know how long i'm grounded, but it'll be a pretty fair amount of time.

i'm also grounded for wearing makeup to school. and because i went to scooters to study. okay sir, next time i just won't study, damnit.

i was also informed that i have no freedom in my house. awesome. i love my life.

my sweet little religion

will you be there when i need you?

this is the song i am writing about for my prayer paper. sweet religion by imogen heap. i love immy. her music is so lovely and abstract. i really enjoy it. i was going to do heaven knows i'm miserable now (my blog title!) but i decided against it. maybe. i'm still undecided. i might do a bright eyes song. drunk kid catholic seems pretty appropriate.

i haven't prayed in a mighty long time. i don't mind.

no smoking... unless you want to.

i went to church on sunday but i kept falling asleep so i went to my car and listened to music while i waited for my brother to be done praising God. that was about the extent of my praying this week. i did go star gazing friday night and that was extremely lovely. very cold though.

i watched wristcutters the other night, which is my favorite movie. it was super awesome. i wore my dress and i wish i could have had a glass of wine so i could feel really classy. the movie is about life after suicide. it's really quite happy actually.

i lost my lighter. i always do that when i'm drunk.

i want to read the book naked lunch by william s burroughs but i haven't had the time to go to barnes and noble and buy it. paramore's new album came out today, i'm excited beyond anything in existence to buy it. i also need to get new ear phones because my dog broke mine. bitch. she really is a bitch.

nothing gold can stay

still not praying. i was laying on the ground looking at the clouds the other day and i thought, "i could totally be encountering God right now if i wanted to." but i didn't want to. so i didn't. i find nature to be very lovely. but i don't find God in it.

i went to church on sunday, as my parents made me. it was boring. and really long. and they were asking for money. and i didn't like it.

i'm reading the perks of being a wallflower again. it's one of my favorites.

i've been trying to think more about my views on God lately. i keep coming back to the same conclusion. I don't feel like i believe in the God i've grown up learning about, but i believe in a higher power. as Charlie says in the perks of being a wallflower, "i do believe in God very much, i just never gave God a name, if you know what i mean." that's kinda like what i feel. and i don't think you need faith to be happy. i've been pretty happy lately, but nothing gold can stay, right? so i fully expect life to start sucking again sometime soon. but it won't be because of my lack of faith. it'll be my own fault.

a blog to pass the time.

i went to church yesterday. i felt really sick. so i sat the whole time. i recieved the eucharist because i always have. guess i should probably not do that. disrespectfulness. then i talked to a friend and left. then i listened to the smiths because they're supa fly.

my mom loves "God". and so does my pops. and my grandmother. she's a cool lady. but i ain't into that stuff. i used to pray when i was a kid. it was like yeah okay whatever. then i started thinking for myself instead of letting everyone tell me what to do. and i was like. what's all this business about? so i had a conversation with myself that basically led to me deciding that i don't know what i believe about "God". but i don't believe in an organized church. i don't know about jesus. he's kinda like a human who was supposedly "God", but i don't know. don't make much sense to me. i've been kinda mad at "God" the past couple years. like why does he have to make life suck so much? but whatever. i don't really care. it's not a big part of my life and i'm totally legitly cool with that.